Anger

I have found that lately I am angry about everything, well actually I am just angry that my sweet little girl isn't here with me, angry about why her and Alison didn't have the ideal life they should have.  I only have memories and pictures of her, beautiful ones, but also sad ones.  She had in so many ways the best 6.5 years possible, but in so many ways she suffered.  I find myself at peace about her death, but angry and grieving for the life her and Alison should have had if TTTS hadn't happened, if they weren't born 3.5 months too soon.  I guess we have been grieving since February 15, 2006, they day we found out they had TTTS.  When does the grief end? Never, I think, it just changes.

Aaron and I are so angry about a lot of things.  Things like, where was/is our support.  We have family (I use that loosely) members that never visited our girls in the NICU (3months/5months), never said "Let me take Taylor to the park for the day so you can spend it at the hospital", never brought us a meal and I could go on  and on.  Yes, my mother gave up 6 months of her life to take care of me and Taylor and the twins when they finally made it home.  But maybe she would have liked a break?  These are the same people that when Lauren was in the hospital in June, couldn't be bothered to maybe bring us a cup of coffee or a magazine or just sit with us.  Oh but when they were informed about the hospitalization we were told "Oh you do know we are going on vacation"  Yes, they were leaving 4 days out and we were in the hospital only 30 minutes away, but they must have had a lot of packing too do, HA!  One member, when asked why you hadn't called to see how Lauren was doing after being home for a few days actually said "Well, no one asks me about my health"  REALLY, really????  Well, I hope you are happy because as far as I know you are still living your life and my daughter is dead.

We have neighbors that have known us for "5 minutes" compared to "family" and they brought us a whole week of meals after Lauren died and still they text me, asking how we are or bring the girls little gifts or ask the girls to come play.  How many times have we received anything of the sort from his "family" NEVER!! Sad how I still haven't heard one word from one of them since Laurens death, not a call, not an email, not a text, acknowledging Laurens death, and she is a mother.  Just amazing how someone you think of as family cannot even take one minute to say "I'm sorry".  When Aaron questioned this, he was told, "We act as one"  whatever the hell that means!  I cannot fathom what goes through someones mind, I have more compassion in my finger then she does in her whole being.  We have neighbors who have also shunned us and no longer want Taylor playing with their kids because of normal kid things (per some reliable sources, such as the school principle and therapist who I have consulted regarding the situation), regardless of the fact that Taylor just lost her sister, now they took her friends away.  I thought they were our friends but when ignorant adults involve themselves in kid issues, well, enough said.  Which in reality I am SO glad this happened since I never really trusted these kids anyway. But anger is what I feel when I hear all the kids out playing and knowing mine aren't welcome.  Where is the compassion?

Anger is looking back and remembering the times that we had to argue our point with his "family" to remove their shoes, (every time they came over) before coming into our house because Lauren and Alison are on the floor a lot and are susceptible to infections.  Or the Christmas we requested they get flu shots 2 weeks prior to coming and they didn't and then were mad at us for not allowing them to come over.  I could go on on on on on......but thinking of these people makes me even angrier.

I feel lost, I lost my daughter, family, friends, and I lost everything I was to her.  I was the one who took her to doctors, to therapy, fought for her when insurance denied things, ordered her supplies, put her wheelchair in and out of the car sometimes 6 times a day, changed her diapers, fed her, bathed her, dispensed medicine, picked up prescriptions, took her for tests, and anything and everything she needed.  I felt needed in a way no one without a special child would understand.  I was her everything and she mine and I was so proud to be that person.  Right now I am angry I can't be that person anymore and angry I had to be that person to begin with.  She and Alison should be finishing 1st grade together, going to birthday parties and planning for summer.  Instead I have to try and explain to Alison where her other half is, when even I don't understand.

I read about other people who have had and lost a special child and the support they have.  I am always jealous, I can't even imagine what that feels like.  We will get through this one day at time, this day my anger has taken over, tomorrow hopefully not, but this is a journey we have been on for 7+ years.

I miss you my beauty and I am sure everything in heaven is so much more then here....till we meet again